ANGRY MINUTE #0016: Halloween Pisses Me Off (Part 3 of 4)
Two down, two to go. This is your Halloween Pisses Me Off Angry Minute for Wednesday, October 21st 2009!
BA BA BA BAAAAAAAAAAA!!
You know what pisses me and many of the young ones off during the Halloween season? Non-Candy Givers! Yeah, we all know who they are. That old lady down the street who gives nickels? What about the creepy health nut who hands out fruit? Or other “great” treats like protein bars, juice boxes, homemade cookies, or even coupons?!?!?! Excuse me for a moment… WHAT THE FRAK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!
Now as an adult I understand that there are categories of people, and based on the categories are ultimately the treat you receive. So let’s go to the HALLOWEEN LIST OF TREAT GIVERS and examine who they are and why they give the treats they do.
THE HALLOWEEN LIST OF TREAT GIVERS:
1. FunSized Candy Giver – Your normal givers. They hand out the FunSize (Mini) Candies. We respect these givers as this is why we Trick-or-Treat, for sweets and delicious candies 
2. Big-Candy Giver – Like a mythical beast, some say that on Beggar’s Night there are homes who hand out Regular Candy, like normal sized Snicker bars. And even rarer are those who hand out KING SIZED varieties of our favorite candy! Any individual who has the money and the heart to do such great deeds deserves to be immortalized for all time. Nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is greater for a child then to open their bag on Trick-or-Treat and see a massive about of sweets being tossed into their loot. Thank you oh great mythical givers, thank you!
3. Coin Giver – Money is great, don’t get me wrong, but these Givers just don’t get it. Typically of the older age, these elderly goodhearted people hand out nickels, dimes, and maybe if you’re lucky quarters. Now if I go to 100 houses during Beggar’s Night and get a quarter from each, I’d have $25. Now go to the store and buy $25 worth of candy… and now you see you got LESS then if you had been given candy by these CHEAPSKATES! The only exception I would not be pissed about getting a coin is if it was ATLEAST a dollar or more, then I’d happily take.
4. Health Giver – Apples, Oranges, Granola Bars, etc. First off most parents will THROW OUT any fruit in their kid’s basket (haven’t you been told NOT to eat anything that isn’t wrapped? I know I have). Granola Bars I have no big problem with, but they better taste good or you’re getting TP’ed!
5. Made-It-Myself Giver – Cookies, Cupcakes, Brownies, etc. Once again if it isn’t store wrapped I don’t want my kid to have it. People need to think and BE SAFE. Some crazy could have put a razor blade in there! AHHHHHH THE PAIN ISN’T DELICIOUS!!! And speaking of Brownies, do you want your kid eating anything ‘special’? Now THAT would be a crazy Halloween!
6. Mystery Prize Giver – Toys, Coupons, etc. Depending on the quality will really depend on if this pisses me off or not. Toys are cool but only for the really young beggars. What about those that are still young enough for Trick-or-Treat but too old for toys? You gonna hand them an Xbox360 Game (which would be SUPER AWESOME!). Coupons can be great (like a free pizza) to crap (like 10% off my next visit to Foot Locker). Tread lightly as I hear some youngsters will take spoiled eggs to the homes that have cheated them out of candy riches!!
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POSTANGER:
In the end I’m happy to receive anything, but people need to realize that if the quality is bad or if it isn’t store wrapped it’s gonna get pitched. Don’t waste, give out safe gifts/candies and make Halloween a night of sugar high! Remember, they aren’t your kids and it isn’t your responsibility to monitor their eating habits; that falls on their parents who have to deal with the buggers on a candy crack high!
BONUS: A friend told me he likes to have several different treats to give on Halloween. Normal costumes get the normal candy, while superior costumes get King Sized candy! And those who are “too old” to be Trick-or-Treating OR those who don’t wear costumes get the dreaded APPLE! AHHHHHHHHHHH! I love this idea and I love pissing off snot nosed teenagers who think that they can get free candy by dressing up as themselves. Frak you teenagers, and GET OFF MY LAWN!