ANGRY MINUTE #0004: Popup Commercials
You know what Grinds my Gears (yeah, how long you been waiting for me to pull out THAT Family Guy line out)? Commercials! PISSES ME OFF!
I’m not talking about your “normal” commercials. I own a DVR (like any sane person) so normal commercials don’t bother me. To be honest I’ll actually tolerate “normal” commercials, even if a show is recorded. Why the hell would I do that? Because I enjoy having CONVERSATIONS with my fellow friends, and commercials are the ideal time to do such.
So for the record; “normal” commercials are fine and do not anger me. They may anger you, but that’s cuz you’re a prick and have no friends.
What boils my blood are the “new” types of commercials
I’ll turn my TV to one of my favorite shows, Attach of the Show (only on G4). Never seen it? You’re a moron! This show is the best show PERIOD (well, for my generation anyway)! Not to mention it has the hottest of the hot with Olivia Munn (aka: cover of this month’s Playboy: http://www.imagebam.com/image/ae9d0239546182. aka: the Future Mrs. Masked Douchebag #8). Mmmmm, I love me some Olivia Munn. Don’t worry my douchebag of a girlfriend knows that Munn is on my top 5 so it’s all fair game people! DEAL WITH MY LOVE!
Anyway, I’ll be lookin at Olivia’s hotness, imagining all the things (dirty douchebaggery things) I would do to her, and then… BAMO KABAMO!!!! Out of nowhere the Starship Enterprise rips a hole in the space-time continuum at Warp 9, crushing through the bottom left of my overly-sized television, sending photo torpedoes right into my beloved Olivia’s face! OH MY FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER! WHAT THE FRAK HAVE THEY DONE!?!?!? WHY HAVE THEY MURDERED THE ONLY TELEVISION HOST I COULD SEE ME “DOING” WITHOUT BEING LABELED AS MANLOVER?!?!?!? (Kevin Pereira is hot piece of man-meat, deal with it!)
Never fear cruel world; Olivia does not die from Picard’s cowardly attack. This is only the NEW version of commercials. Not content with Joe 5-pack having to spend one-third of a television show watching advertisements, dickwads and cuntfaces alike have decided to place ads WITHIN the shows themselves!
COME THE FRAK ON!!!
Why is this happening? When I’m watching a show I want to see THAT show, I don’t want to know what is coming on next! If I cared what was coming on later I would pick up a TV Guide (do they even still make these… I should have said Google).
Now I know what many of you are going to say; “but they need the ad revenue because people don’t watch commercials”. My response is that WE NEVER WATCHED THEM ANYWAY! When a commercial comes on I go drain the main vein, gab another Coors (cuz Bud doesn’t pay me enough), and maybe JUST MAYBE make fun of YOUR MOTHER (Hi Jeff’s mom)!!!!! But I hardly ever WATCH a commercial. Do you? Why? Unless it’s the SuperBowl there is NO REASON to see a commercial (the only exceptions to this rule are boobs and funny)!!!!
But I’m a fair Douchebag, I know people need to be paid (FSM knows I do). So let’s compromise and take note from Video Games and start using products/ads INSIDE the entertainment. I’m not talking about having John Cena FU Randy Orton through my television while I’m watching an all new episode of Psych (New episodes start Aug 7th at 10pm EST only on USA… Characters Welcome), I’m talking about actually USING the product in the show. Have Chuck Bartowski share a nice Five Dollar Footlong with Casey (Chuck, returning with new episodes in 2010 because IT IS AWESOME), or even have a Butterfinger Machine installed in the Simpson’s House. I don’t give a flying FRAK how you insert a product, just stop these POPUP COMMERCIALS!!!
PLEASE!
PLEASE STOP THE MADDNESS!!!!!
THE MADDDDDDDNESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
IT’S PISSING ME OFF! ANGER! ANGER! ANGERRRRRRR!!!!!